Here she was, where she’d been so many times before, music playing quietly in the background thoughts screaming through her head. Questions without answers spewing out over a wound that never healed. Would it ever just be a nice little scar? Is that even a possibility? It had been three years and the pain was still just as real as before. The onset was always the same as soon as there was a glimpse of hope that she may be able to move on – it reopened. Not just reopened but grew, if that was even possible. Just how far did this go? Was there anything she could do about? She believed she had taken the proper steps, cleansed the wound thoroughly, binding those which needed bounding and allowing those which needed air to breathe, fought the impending infections, and allowed plenty of time for it to heal. But no, once again it had reopened.
But had she reopened it herself on purpose, because she wanted a wound? Not any wound, but this wound. A wound she had some experience with. For if she were wounded, there would be no need for reckless behavior. No need to take a risk and go down a possibly treacherous path. Yes, this wound while painful could save far worse and prevent future scarring.
She didn’t particularly want to live a wounded life, but she was terrified of being healed.
Monday, January 12, 2009
Monday, June 9, 2008
Chesapeake Bay Bridge Swim 2008
Here's a recap of yesterday's swim.
Pre-race:
I was a bit tired (we all know how I feel about 6am), a bit nervous, and somewhat excited. I will admit that I did have second thoughts, one of those can I really do this - type moments... what if I didn't train hard enough and all that... Definitely was thinking that this was one of those events that seemed like a good idea several months ago, but not so much at the moment. Anyway, got to the park and ride in Kent Island and got on the bus over to Sandy Point. It was nice to talk to people on the bus - most of which were having similiar doubts, but also hearing from some of the veterans about the nuniances of the race (which side of the bridge to stay to and when, etc). I was a little more at ease by the time I arrived at the registration tent - got my number, cap, timing chip, and all that stuff. The water looked very calm - almost glass like, no white caps anywhere... you could sorta make out the other side. I also, learned that I did not overpack - I was a bit concerned about bringing a bookbag with my wetsuit, water, gels, etc... but everyone else had a similiar amount of gear. My nerves calmed as the start neared.
Mile 1 -
The first mile went by really quickly - maybe because of the excitement because I definitely wasn't going all that fast. The start was a bit rough - not as bad as a tri start - but still got hit and swam over more times than I would have liked. I still felt good and strong at this point.
Mile 2 -
This one was a bit tougher. The current was pushing me to the left and I kept having to correct myself and swim towards the center to avoid going outside of the span and getting DQed. But, I didn't want to go too far to the right because the bridges curve left and I wanted to use the current help keep me to the left, since just after mile 2 the current changes directions and pushes you right. So this mile was a bit more difficult. I was starting to feel tired and a bit de-hydrated. Luckily there was a refreshment boat at mile 2.
Mile 3 -
This was my favorite mile. I was refreshed from the water/gel stop at the end of mile 2. There wasn't much current to fight or swim against or with. I was surprised to arrive at the mile marker so quickly. There was supposed to be a refreshment boat at this mile marker as well - but I didn't see it. Although, honestly I was still feeling good so I doubt I would have stopped.
Mile 4 -
Passing the third mile marker and beginning the 4th mile, I still felt good. I was swimming strongly and smartly - drafting as often as possible. Then about halfway through - I found myself being pushed to the right a lot quicker than I was prepared for. About 4 other swimmers near me where having a similiar problem... we all kept having to swim against an increasingly strong current to avoid being DQ'ed. And when you have already swam over 3 miles, it seems all the more difficult. The saving grace of this last section was that the spans were closer together giving the illusion of progress as I passed them. Finally, I reached the end of the bridge - only .4 to go - the end of the spans served as the 4th mile marker. I swam through the last span and turned left.
The final .4 -
You could see the finish line and all the people waiting. That was the only redeeming quality of this last .4 miles. The water was very warm, my arms and legs were tired, and I was getting increasingly warm in the wetsuit. After a few strokes, I decided to follow suit and walk this last part. In hindsight this probably wasn't the smartest idea - a) it took longer, b) the water was gross, and c) without the water surrounding me the wetsuit was suddenly an oven. 3 hours and 18 minutes and 29 seconds after starting, I emerged from the bay and crossed the mats. I was grateful for the volunteers that helped me get my arms out of the wetsuit and took my timing chip off my ankle. Grabbed some water and the bag of race goodies, and proceeded to find mom and dad. I was pretty much shaking from exhaustion and getting hotter by the moment.
Post-race -
Once I had the wetsuit completely off, I started to feel a bit better. Had half a gross chocolate fudge cliff bar (no offense to cliff bars - I usually like thier products) and a lot of water. Still shaking - got to my recovery drink thingy and started to feel better as my sugar and hydration levels began to normalize again. Walked to the car with mom and dad - at this point all I wanted was to sit in air conditioning. Stopped at Dairy Queen because mom and dad were starving, had a chicken wrap - even though i wanted a slushie (with the recovery drink thingy you aren't supposed to have sugar for about 30 minutes - to avoid spiking). Finally about an hour or so after finishing I started to feel normal... had a Rita's water ice - yay sugar! Pretty much sat around the rest of the afternoon - went to bed pretty much right after dinner and ibuprofen.
Today I feel pretty good. A bit stiff in the mid back and arms, but I would consider doing the race again. =)
Pre-race:
I was a bit tired (we all know how I feel about 6am), a bit nervous, and somewhat excited. I will admit that I did have second thoughts, one of those can I really do this - type moments... what if I didn't train hard enough and all that... Definitely was thinking that this was one of those events that seemed like a good idea several months ago, but not so much at the moment. Anyway, got to the park and ride in Kent Island and got on the bus over to Sandy Point. It was nice to talk to people on the bus - most of which were having similiar doubts, but also hearing from some of the veterans about the nuniances of the race (which side of the bridge to stay to and when, etc). I was a little more at ease by the time I arrived at the registration tent - got my number, cap, timing chip, and all that stuff. The water looked very calm - almost glass like, no white caps anywhere... you could sorta make out the other side. I also, learned that I did not overpack - I was a bit concerned about bringing a bookbag with my wetsuit, water, gels, etc... but everyone else had a similiar amount of gear. My nerves calmed as the start neared.
Mile 1 -
The first mile went by really quickly - maybe because of the excitement because I definitely wasn't going all that fast. The start was a bit rough - not as bad as a tri start - but still got hit and swam over more times than I would have liked. I still felt good and strong at this point.
Mile 2 -
This one was a bit tougher. The current was pushing me to the left and I kept having to correct myself and swim towards the center to avoid going outside of the span and getting DQed. But, I didn't want to go too far to the right because the bridges curve left and I wanted to use the current help keep me to the left, since just after mile 2 the current changes directions and pushes you right. So this mile was a bit more difficult. I was starting to feel tired and a bit de-hydrated. Luckily there was a refreshment boat at mile 2.
Mile 3 -
This was my favorite mile. I was refreshed from the water/gel stop at the end of mile 2. There wasn't much current to fight or swim against or with. I was surprised to arrive at the mile marker so quickly. There was supposed to be a refreshment boat at this mile marker as well - but I didn't see it. Although, honestly I was still feeling good so I doubt I would have stopped.
Mile 4 -
Passing the third mile marker and beginning the 4th mile, I still felt good. I was swimming strongly and smartly - drafting as often as possible. Then about halfway through - I found myself being pushed to the right a lot quicker than I was prepared for. About 4 other swimmers near me where having a similiar problem... we all kept having to swim against an increasingly strong current to avoid being DQ'ed. And when you have already swam over 3 miles, it seems all the more difficult. The saving grace of this last section was that the spans were closer together giving the illusion of progress as I passed them. Finally, I reached the end of the bridge - only .4 to go - the end of the spans served as the 4th mile marker. I swam through the last span and turned left.
The final .4 -
You could see the finish line and all the people waiting. That was the only redeeming quality of this last .4 miles. The water was very warm, my arms and legs were tired, and I was getting increasingly warm in the wetsuit. After a few strokes, I decided to follow suit and walk this last part. In hindsight this probably wasn't the smartest idea - a) it took longer, b) the water was gross, and c) without the water surrounding me the wetsuit was suddenly an oven. 3 hours and 18 minutes and 29 seconds after starting, I emerged from the bay and crossed the mats. I was grateful for the volunteers that helped me get my arms out of the wetsuit and took my timing chip off my ankle. Grabbed some water and the bag of race goodies, and proceeded to find mom and dad. I was pretty much shaking from exhaustion and getting hotter by the moment.
Post-race -
Once I had the wetsuit completely off, I started to feel a bit better. Had half a gross chocolate fudge cliff bar (no offense to cliff bars - I usually like thier products) and a lot of water. Still shaking - got to my recovery drink thingy and started to feel better as my sugar and hydration levels began to normalize again. Walked to the car with mom and dad - at this point all I wanted was to sit in air conditioning. Stopped at Dairy Queen because mom and dad were starving, had a chicken wrap - even though i wanted a slushie (with the recovery drink thingy you aren't supposed to have sugar for about 30 minutes - to avoid spiking). Finally about an hour or so after finishing I started to feel normal... had a Rita's water ice - yay sugar! Pretty much sat around the rest of the afternoon - went to bed pretty much right after dinner and ibuprofen.
Today I feel pretty good. A bit stiff in the mid back and arms, but I would consider doing the race again. =)
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
False Prophets...
I am reading Jesus for President, this has spurred some thoughts about false prophets or prophets in general...
I guess the first question is does God still use prophets in this day and age or did they die off with Biblical times? I'm not sure how to answer this... I firmly believe God still uses people to spread his message to the world, but are they really prophets? What is a prophet? The ones labeled or given the title of prophet in the Bible were people who were directly appointed by God and sent forth with messages for the people given to them directly from God. Interestingly enough, false prophets in order to gain respect and be listened to claimed that thier message was also from God. So, really we only know who was a prophet and who wasn't based on the recorded text in the Bible.
In the day and age of the prophets - people had to take what the supposed prophet was saying and decide whether or not it meshed with what they knew of God... in the same way we need to do that today... This is where it gets tricky... God's message isn't always easy to decipher especially when you consider the number of outside influences that have come together to form a person's experiences and beliefs... anyway I fear this post is just getting rambling and bring about more questions and further confusing the issues...
My main question is this - false prophets vs prophets - how to tell the difference... it seems like nothing is really black and white anymore... of course I don't think it was ever really black and white - maybe during the times when the laws in Deutronomy and Levticus were taken seriously - but even then you could find some grey areas...
Anyway, if false prophets really bring about death and destruction as we warned - then this is a serious matter... one false belief or teaching can spoil the whole thing (see the parables about yeast and weeds)... so how do we go about determining what is true and what is false?
So - my poor readers who suffered through this post - any thoughts on the subject? just as confused as i am?
I guess the first question is does God still use prophets in this day and age or did they die off with Biblical times? I'm not sure how to answer this... I firmly believe God still uses people to spread his message to the world, but are they really prophets? What is a prophet? The ones labeled or given the title of prophet in the Bible were people who were directly appointed by God and sent forth with messages for the people given to them directly from God. Interestingly enough, false prophets in order to gain respect and be listened to claimed that thier message was also from God. So, really we only know who was a prophet and who wasn't based on the recorded text in the Bible.
In the day and age of the prophets - people had to take what the supposed prophet was saying and decide whether or not it meshed with what they knew of God... in the same way we need to do that today... This is where it gets tricky... God's message isn't always easy to decipher especially when you consider the number of outside influences that have come together to form a person's experiences and beliefs... anyway I fear this post is just getting rambling and bring about more questions and further confusing the issues...
My main question is this - false prophets vs prophets - how to tell the difference... it seems like nothing is really black and white anymore... of course I don't think it was ever really black and white - maybe during the times when the laws in Deutronomy and Levticus were taken seriously - but even then you could find some grey areas...
Anyway, if false prophets really bring about death and destruction as we warned - then this is a serious matter... one false belief or teaching can spoil the whole thing (see the parables about yeast and weeds)... so how do we go about determining what is true and what is false?
So - my poor readers who suffered through this post - any thoughts on the subject? just as confused as i am?
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Taking the Uncommon Road
I haven't blogged in awhile. For a long time I used to write one each day or more often than that, but what I realized eventually was that my blogging became a substitute for actually talking to another person. I would write what I was thinking or going through in such an online forum rather than say it outloud. And while there are times where such an approach is appropriate, I was abusing that priviledge, so I took a break from the online substitute for relationships and chose to force myself to be real with friends in person and not in print.
The purpose of this blog is not to vent about life or discuss private thoughts and situations of my life, but to hold me accountable for my resolution to renew a dwindling pursuit of God. It has come to my attention that my walk with God is slowly dying off as the result of numerous choices and what-have-you. If you want to know more about those - feel free to talk with me directly.
Here is how I propose to renew this walk and progress into a constantly growing relationship with the Creator of the universe. Make a honest attempt to begin each day in prayer - and not just for the blasted alarm to stop interrupting my sleep. Spend at least 30 minutes a day doing something that will challenge my faith (reading the bible, an inspirational book, or an attack on Christianity, or having a faith based discussion). Finally, journal these activities at least weekly... posting neat things that I have learned, realized, or struggled with.
The purpose of this blog is not to vent about life or discuss private thoughts and situations of my life, but to hold me accountable for my resolution to renew a dwindling pursuit of God. It has come to my attention that my walk with God is slowly dying off as the result of numerous choices and what-have-you. If you want to know more about those - feel free to talk with me directly.
Here is how I propose to renew this walk and progress into a constantly growing relationship with the Creator of the universe. Make a honest attempt to begin each day in prayer - and not just for the blasted alarm to stop interrupting my sleep. Spend at least 30 minutes a day doing something that will challenge my faith (reading the bible, an inspirational book, or an attack on Christianity, or having a faith based discussion). Finally, journal these activities at least weekly... posting neat things that I have learned, realized, or struggled with.
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